Is it for your loss?

After church, it’s hard to walk out of there in less than fifteen minutes. This past Sunday was a classic example with a never-ending stream of people needing to talk to me. Some had to convey sympathies and others just had some business to speak to me about. After about the tenth person with more standing in line, I was sending out telepathic messages. Please, just let me go. I don’t have any more of me to give today.

These last couple of days have been hard. It’s been almost two weeks since the miscarriage and it was only yesterday that I was able to weep. I’ve been working on landscaping our yard for a few days; I’m tired and my muscles ache. Maybe that’s why I was finally able to wail a little for our child.

The crying came in spurts because I kept analyzing why I was crying and suddenly I wasn’t feeling anymore. I was chronicling. I kept moving outside of myself, watching me cry, as if I was an impartial observer. This sorrow you are feeling now, is it for your loss? Or are you just emotionally fragile from fatigue? Sometimes I’m so painfully self-aware, I can’t seem to just be in the moment. I kept having to tell myself it’s okay to cry. That I should cry. I needed to cry, to finally allow myself to fully feel the pain.